The Funny Ones - #189-#196

#189 BOB ALLEN
STATE REPRESENTATIVE (FLORIDA) AND FLORIDA CO-CHAIRMAN OF MCCAIN FOR PRESIDENT
#190 SEN. LARRY CRAIG
US SENATOR FROM IDAHO AND SCREAMING GAY HATER
#191 DONALD THOMPSON
REPUBLICAN JUDGE FROM OKLAHOMA
#192 STEPHEN LINNEN
FORMER LAWYER TO THE OHIO HOUSE CAUCUS OF THE GOP COCKSUCKERS
#193 BRIAN BLUNDELL
FORMER MEMBER OF THE HAWAIIAN HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.
#194 TOM SHORTRIDGE
FORMER MAYOR OF SOUTH BAY, CA
#195 MATTHEW GLAVIN
PRESIDENT AND CEO OF THE SOUTHEASTERN LEGAL FOUNDATION (GEORGIA)
#196 NEAL HORSLEY
CREATOR OF THE ANTI-ABORTION WEBSITE 'THE NUREMBERG FILES'

Now we are to the 'Lewd Conduct' section of the Republicanoffenders website. This is where the looney tunes absolutely shine but #191 and #196 really stand out from the others. If you read the particulars of these guys, you can't help but fucking laugh. You think #182 AKA Glenn Murphy, Jr., the Midnight Boner Bandit, is funny, you should get a load of #191, who is my absolute fave as far as being a sterling example of a hypocritical GOP Cocksucker.

But in my praise for #191, I shouldn't forget the others; others like #189, Bob Allen. This fucking guy was so desperate for a mouthful of cock that he offered a guy in a public restroom $20 if he'd let him blow him. Trouble for Allen, who was a big anti-gay legislator in Florida, the guy he solicited was an undercover cop.

Allen got six months of probation, a $250 fine, $245 in restitution to the city of Titusville's police department and court costs.

About six months before Allen was nailed, the most famous case of GOP Cocksucker hypocrisy was taking place in a Minneapolis public restroom at the airport. That's where #190, Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho, pled guilty to solicitation of homosexual acts. Rumors that Craig is as queer as a Maypole Dancer had been circulating for years but the Minneapolis Affair forever renamed him as Senator Wide Stance (you can read the story here http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/08/27/craig.arrest/index.html)

Making matters worse, Craig cut a deal with the GOP cocksuckers in which he would resign, then welched. To say that we on the left were gleeful at Craig's comeuppance is understating the case because Craig's behavior sure seemed hypocritical. Take a look here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_Vs5570pKw

Christ, he did everything but burst into flames. It looked like Charles Nelson Reilly on 'Match Game.' Now we're waiting for his term to expire so he will have to go home to Idaho and deal with the rednecks that are purple with rage because he conned them into voting for his faggot ass. Personally, I think it should be filmed and made into a loop.

Even McCain called him 'disgraceful.'

Well, now we are at #191. When I think of GOP Cocksuckers, I actually think of THIS fucking guy; Donald Thompson. Thompson wore a penis pump while he was at work and used it too. He claimed he was given the pump as a gag gift and never used it, but when investigators sprayed the inside of his clothes with Luminol looking for traces of semen, the inside of his clothes lit up like a hotel sign on the Las Vegas Strip.

Here's the upshot. Ready?

Thompson was a judge in Oklahoma.

Yeah, the 'clothes' in question were his robes. Here he is on the bench, taking testimony for someone expecting justice and all the while he's really jacking his meat with the help of the latest in Thai workmanship.

It's really hard to top Thompson but #192, Stephen Linnen, sure gave it his best shot.

Linnen was known as 'the Naked Photographer.' Some of the wags at the local paper privately called him 'Peter Pentax' after a brand of camera. (God, I hate explaining jokes) Linnen would leap out naked at women wearing sunglasses and a ski mask and then take pictures of their shocked faces. He did this shit to 40 women over two years. Then 2004 came along and he accosted the wrong woman, who promptly attacked him. No word if she was a tae-kwon-do instructor.

Now it was Linnen's turn to be startled, then arrested. He ended up getting 18 months but because he drew one of those 'bleeding heart liberal judges', he wasn't put on the state's sex offender list for the rest of his fucking life. Gosh, they sure come in handy sometimes, don't they?

What is it with the GOP cocksuckers and toilets? #190 and #189 made headlines but three years earlier, we had #193, Brian Blundell, a former state representative in Hawaii.

Blundell pled no-contest to groping an undercover police officer outside a public toilet at Kapolani Park in Honolulu. He pled guilty and then tried to get the charges deferred so that it would not appear on his record.

Tom Shortridge, #194, is 'almost' normal by comparison to the rest of these fuckin' guys. Here's what the former mayor of South Bay CA, confessed to doing: taking semi-nude pictures of young girls he knew were underage--16 and 15 to be exact. A friend of one of the girls narked on him and Redondo Beach police snapped into action.

Shortridge made a plea bargain in which he is not allowed to be around girls under age 18 without the presence of another adult and was sentenced to 180 days in jail, which he would be required to serve if he breaks the rules of his probation. He has to perform 200 hours of community service, undergo psychiatric counseling and apologize to the girls and their parents.

#195 is choice only to political junkies with memories. You probably don't know who the fuck Matthew Glavin is. Hell, you probably don't even know what the Southeastern Legal Foundation is, which Glavin was president of, and I wouldn't blame you.

But Glavin crowed a lot about getting ex-President Bill Clinton suspended from the practice of law in Arkansas for The Blowjob. He critiqued Clinton's testimony in the Paula Jones harassment case. He defended former FBI agent Gary Aldrich when he faced legal challenges over his now dicredited book.

And Glavin had a big anti-gay agenda. He defended the Boy Scouts when its anti-gay posture was coming under attack and he croaked an initiative at Atlanta City Hall when the idea of providing insurance and other benefits to same-sex partners was floated.

But he had to resign from the SLF when he was charged three times with public indecency. I don't know what the eventual outcome was but things became precious. I mean, look at the scoreboard:

Bill Clinton - multimillionaire; husband of the Secretary of State; regarded as one of the best presidents of the 20th Century.

Matthew Glavin - criminal; resigned in disgrace.


Finally, #196 is Neal Horsley. It was Horsley who created the anti-abortion website, 'The Nuremberg Files.' Horsley said it was an effort to collect data on abortionists when it came time to try them for their 'crimes.'

But doctors recognized that as a shuck. The Nuremberg Files had a lot of inflammatory rhetoric on it, asked for information about the doctor's addresses, cars and families, suggested stalking their families and instead of removing doctors from the website, drew a red line through their names when they were murdered.

Horsley got nailed for possession of hashish with intent to sell some years back. He's also called for the arrest of all homosexuals and, in an unbelievable coup on the Alan Colmes radio show, admitted to having had sex with mules. So, homesexuals are bad but people who fuck animals are just misunderstood, I guess.

S. Olson